Section 1: Arrival
First of all, screw those name tags they give you at check-in. Name tags are for newbies and pussies. You see the same people every goddam time, so amuse everyone by giving them awesome nicknames:
- Adding “-enator” “-imal” “-ster” or “-bo” = instant coolness.
- Your homies know you’re down with the chocolate-vanilla love when you speak their gangsta rap.
- Sometimes the name just asks for it. Like Mike Pyle. He really is a Pyle of shit!
- Any bros south of the border -? Speak-a the Spanish, it helps loosen ‘em up: Taco, Paco, Tanto...
- If you would pork her, use any combo of “babe” or “baby”. The girls love it when ya compliment them.
Section 2: What to Avoid
Fuck that! You don’t need to listen to that smug fuck with his BS propaganda. This convention is like a paid vacation! Let’s hit the bar- Deanzie needs a drinksy!
Scheduled Activities & Meals
- Don’t go for that praying-before-dinner shit. It’s bullshit. There’s a separation between religion and insurance, it’s in the Constitution! Besides, I hear the buffet is all-you-can-eat pussy, if you know what I mean, and I know you do!
- Before going to any of those lame-ass events, you gotta ask yourself, ‘What’s in it for me?’ Because, seriously man, if I’m not getting paid or there’s some free stuff, then it’s a pathetic waste of time.
- Only go to the corporate ‘rally’ or ‘talent show’ if you want to heckle the pansies actually up there doing that shit.
Guilt is an emotion that’s about as useful as a whore with lockjaw. There’s nothing good that you can do with it. Make Excuses to avoid these wastes of time.
You can say:
- “I’m so hungover right now.”
- “What are you, queer? Hey, whatever floats your boat...”
- “Suck my ass.”
- “Blow me.”
Section 3: What to Do
- Hit the party headquarters, aka, The Bar!
- Get shitfaced.
- Crash other parties / conventions at the hotel. Weddings are the best – free food, booze and maybe some hot ass you could tap.
- Totally going in the pool.
- Sleep it off.
- Remember: What happens in [convention town], stays in [convention town], amiright?
Section 4: Networking
- If by ‘networking’ you mean DRINKING, then Deanzie is right there with you, man!
- Find the guy with the 2-for-1 coupons, he’ll hook you up.
- Get some drinking buddies. Shots? Are awesome! Free shots? Even awesomer! It’s Jaeger time!!!
- Be the life of the party. You hit ‘em with a round of celebrity impressions, followed by some dirty jokes. Here’s my No-Fail list of guaranteed laughs:
- Say anything like Elvis –
- SNL- you know,
the Church Lady, Hans
and Franz, Wayne’s World!
“Party time! Excellent! Schwing!!”
- Dick jokes.
- Say the opposite
of what you mean...
followed by NOT!
No, no, seriously, never do this.....
NOT!! See what I did there?
Section 5: Business Conduct & Politics
NO, not that morality
blowhards like to preach.
I’m there for my friends.
I may be a lot of things, but a
jag-off ain’t one of ‘em.
I know what I know. And
what I know is if you
wanna survive, you
either gotta fight the
tiger or dance with the
tiger. So strap on a pair
of gourds and let’s get
this party started!