Section 1: Arrival

First of all, screw those name tags they give you at check-in. Name tags are for newbies and pussies. You see the same people every goddam time, so amuse everyone by giving them awesome nicknames:


  • Adding “-enator” “-imal” “-ster” or “-bo” = instant coolness.
  • Your homies know you’re down with the chocolate-vanilla love when you speak their gangsta rap.
  • Sometimes the name just asks for it. Like Mike Pyle. He really is a Pyle of shit!
  • Any bros south of the border -? Speak-a the Spanish, it helps loosen ‘em up: Taco, Paco, Tanto...


  • If you would pork her, use any combo of “babe” or “baby”. The girls love it when ya compliment them.

Ron is now "The Ronimal"

Section 2: What to Avoid


Opening Remarks

Fuck that! You don’t need to listen to that smug fuck with his BS propaganda. This convention is like a paid vacation! Let’s hit the bar- Deanzie needs a drinksy!

Scheduled Activities & Meals

  • Don’t go for that praying-before-dinner shit. It’s bullshit. There’s a separation between religion and insurance, it’s in the Constitution! Besides, I hear the buffet is all-you-can-eat pussy, if you know what I mean, and I know you do!
  • Before going to any of those lame-ass events, you gotta ask yourself, ‘What’s in it for me?’ Because, seriously man, if I’m not getting paid or there’s some free stuff, then it’s a pathetic waste of time.
  • Only go to the corporate ‘rally’ or ‘talent show’ if you want to heckle the pansies actually up there doing that shit.

Morning-after Guilt

Guilt is an emotion that’s about as useful as a whore with lockjaw. There’s nothing good that you can do with it. Make Excuses to avoid these wastes of time.

You can say:

  • “I’m so hungover right now.”
  • “What are you, queer? Hey, whatever floats your boat...”
  • “Suck my ass.”
  • “Blow me.”

Section 3: What to Do

Section 3
  1. Hit the party headquarters, aka, The Bar!
  2. Get shitfaced.
  3. Crash other parties / conventions at the hotel. Weddings are the best – free food, booze and maybe some hot ass you could tap.
  1. Totally going in the pool.
  2. Sleep it off.
  3. Remember: What happens in [convention town], stays in [convention town], amiright?
Where You Want To Be

Section 4: Networking

  1. If by ‘networking’ you mean DRINKING, then Deanzie is right there with you, man!
  2. Find the guy with the 2-for-1 coupons, he’ll hook you up.
  3. Get some drinking buddies. Shots? Are awesome! Free shots? Even awesomer! It’s Jaeger time!!!
  4. Be the life of the party. You hit ‘em with a round of celebrity impressions, followed by some dirty jokes. Here’s my No-Fail list of guaranteed laughs:

  • Say anything like Elvis –
  • SNL- you know,
    the Church Lady, Hans
    and Franz, Wayne’s World!
    “Party time! Excellent! Schwing!!”
  • Dick jokes.
  • Say the opposite
    of what you mean...
    followed by NOT!
    No, no, seriously, never do this.....
    NOT!! See what I did there?

Section 5: Business Conduct & Politics

NO, not that morality
mumbo-jumbo those
blowhards like to preach.
I’m there for my friends.
I may be a lot of things, but a
jag-off ain’t one of ‘em.
I know what I know. And
what I know is if you
wanna survive, you
either gotta fight the
tiger or dance with the
tiger. So strap on a pair
of gourds and let’s get
this party started!